Looking for the right person, when you’re the wrong one.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Happy Holidays!

For my last post of 2020, I decided to wrap-up with one of my most requested and popular topics—relationships!

Romance is a topic that enthrals us all. From movies, novels, tv-shows, and regular conversations—romance is a key aspect of human existence that consumes (almost) everyone. A popular phrase used by some single people is “I’m waiting for the right person.” Heck, when I was single, I used it too LOL. Essentially, we are all Cinderella in life’s ballroom, seeking the perfect glass slipper of a human-being who’ll fit us perfectly.

But, has any of us ever thought that perhaps, we’re looking in vain? Nothing is wrong with looking for the right person who checks all your boxes, but what if you check no one else’s? 😶 What if…as the title reads, you’re looking for the right person, when you’re the wrong one? I know I just ruffled some feathers and firmly gripped (draped) some of your shirts and blouses 🤣, but think about it!

In my experience, many of these individuals who are in constant pursuit of the right partner, are a hot mess and are in dire need of an upgrade/change to various aspects of their individuality.

Therefore, this goes without saying, but I will say it nevertheless. You can’t be looking for 100% when you’re just 20%. It’s only fair🤷🏽. In the regards you don’t want to lower your standards and date below, why should someone lower theirs to date you?

As I write this post, I decided to share the topic with a friend to hear what they had to say and as usual, he never disappoints! He said:

“people are always in denial and almost everyone and their mother posts about “I know my worth” when half of them don’t really have anything to offer but [sex]”

Clayton, 2020.

Upon reflection of his statement, I realised something… Yes, we should know our worth, but we should also know our flaws. Because many who use this phrase seem to forget about these flaws… The same flaws that are the barriers to their happiness! Your worth and your flaws stare at each other through the mirror, try as they may to evade one another, they cannot prevent their eyes from meeting. This is why oftentimes when people describe the good of someone, shortly after, they also mention the bad.

Therefore, I’ll ask again: If you don’t want to date below your standards, why should someone go below theirs and date YOU?

Anyway, enough of the stepping on toes and fabric gripping (draping) and lets get down to the good stuff.

Readers, none of us are perfect. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and I have recognized some traits of myself that I would not want to deal with in a relationship. But, nevertheless, those traits are me. So, what am I doing about it? I am making the conscious effort to change. This change is not just for my partner, but also for myself.

As many of you know or would imagine, this change is not easy. 😅😔. Some of the negative traits that many of us have, are born from trauma, socialization and genetic predisposition. So, it nuh easy!!!

Realization & Acknowledgement

We have to look in the mirror and analyse ourselves. A good question to ask your reflection is “would you date me?” and I want us to ask this question with sincerity, rationality and realism. Because ANY neglection of the truth, instances of narcissism and/or self-loathing, will make this exercise an utter waste.

Whether your answer is yes or no, did you think about your flaws? Would you put up with them? Would you like to change them and be a better person for you? Then, here’s some advice.

Make The Change

Start analysing these negative traits, behaviours, etc…Where did they come from? How do they manifest themselves? What are the triggers? Let’s look into ourselves! Some of you can do this easier than some. For those who are struggling, some counselling could greatly assist—be it professional or personal (such as good friends).

As a matter of fact, I’ll make it easier for you! Draw up a table. To the left, write ‘Strengths’ and to the right, put ‘Weaknesses’. If the former outweighs the latter, good job! Think about how you can leverage these strengths and brush-up on the weaknesses.

For those where the latter outweighs the former, do not despair! Firstly, I want you to think long and hard about your strengths, because we all have them!! Unfortunately, sometimes we just can’t see it. Secondly, it means that you just have a lot of tidying up to do, to make yourself a polished individual who is more than worthy of love, affection and a healthy, intimate relationship.


Readers, for this holiday season, I want you to reflect on the year that has been. Yes, 2020 was an utter mess! But, for those of us who are alive and well, let us be thankful. And for those who have passed-on because of COVID or other reasons, may they rest in peace. 🕊 While their stories have ended, ours are still being written. And for those who are struggling to appreciate their lives, I see you and I empathize with you. Whatever you’re going through, I hope you make it through victorious.


As usual, if this post stirred up some new or existing thoughts/feelings within you, leave them down below, so that we can have a great discussion! Please to leave any suggestions for my next post as well. Enjoy the good food; be safe and healthy and Happy New Year!

12 thoughts on “Looking for the right person, when you’re the wrong one.

  1. I wish I could broadcast this to everyone on the planet like

    *SPOILER*

    what Eren did to the Eldians through paths in AoT.

    I personally believe everything that was written in this piece. The reality is that most times we want something of high value when we ourselves aren’t prepared for said thing. Self awareness and development is critical if we have the desire to be in a relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a nice read for the new year.

    You really got me to think when you said, look in the mirror and ask yourself, “would you date me?”

    Gwaan Taf. Yah gwaan good

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happy New Year Tafari! I’ve been MIA for so long…just seeing how many of your posts I missed. 😫 But, I’m so glad I catch this one. Great read!

    Absolutely love the idea of asking your reflection “Would you date me?” Sometimes we’re so focused on what we want or need and we don’t reflect on what our potential partners may need from us. But you are so right…this reflection is needed as it enables us to ask ourselves those difficult questions – do we have what our potential partners want and need? Can we give them the very same things we are looking for from them? And of course, the big one as you said – how can we change?

    Hope your post encouraged your readers to do some deep reflection and be honest with themselves. I certainly will be doing some more reflection 🙂

    Stay Safe & All the best for the new year! Oh, please keep up the great writing!

    – Jael

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy New Year to you too, Jael! Happy to see you’re back!

      I’m happy my post prompted some reflection for you as well. I think this reflection can help us all for this new year 2021.

      Thanks for the compliment, means a lot to me! 🤗 Stay safe and all the best for 2021 🎉

      Like

  4. I’ve had this conversation with friends a few times. Too many people approach relationships thinking about what the other person brings to the table and not considering what they bring to the table. They are so focused on the traits of the other person, but they don’t stop to ask if they’re a good match.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This was definitely very good to read, and I always look forward to what you post, no matter the topic – as I see each as relevant to every aspect of society and our perception of it.

    I can say that around 2 years ago, after a tough relation dealt a number on me, I started to look into myself, because I didn’t feel as if I was ready to enter another one (for many reasons). I would ask friends how they managed certain qualities I had and used their feedback to initiate change into a direction that I would love to see myself heading.

    It is an ongoing process, as change is constant and we should make the effort to dust under the rugs, as @raochin duly noted. We have to be the kind of person we want others to have in their lives and most importantly, be the kind of person that we want in our own lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This was another good read. I always find your topics thought provoking and stirs up conversation. I’m hoping your readers take great insight from this one.

    This isn’t just for the ones seeking a romantic relationship, the same techniques can be applied to friendships and other types of relationships.

    How do you deal with compromise and change maybe for a next topic, but I hope that your readers understand that these things start before they are in a relationship, and shape itself thereafter. As making grand changes long into a relationship will only lead to chaos and confusion, not just for the relationship, but yourself and your partner.

    Love at first sight is real, as one may witness the cleanliness of your rug (surface level). It’s only after the engagement they realize the dirt under the rug (underlining levels). I’ve said this a lot over the past 4 years, You could be the prettiest girl or boy, but if your attitude and personality stinks, so will your soul.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply to Tafari Hylton Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s