Looking for the right person, when you’re the wrong one.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Happy Holidays!

For my last post of 2020, I decided to wrap-up with one of my most requested and popular topics—relationships!

Romance is a topic that enthrals us all. From movies, novels, tv-shows, and regular conversations—romance is a key aspect of human existence that consumes (almost) everyone. A popular phrase used by some single people is “I’m waiting for the right person.” Heck, when I was single, I used it too LOL. Essentially, we are all Cinderella in life’s ballroom, seeking the perfect glass slipper of a human-being who’ll fit us perfectly.

But, has any of us ever thought that perhaps, we’re looking in vain? Nothing is wrong with looking for the right person who checks all your boxes, but what if you check no one else’s? 😶 What if…as the title reads, you’re looking for the right person, when you’re the wrong one? I know I just ruffled some feathers and firmly gripped (draped) some of your shirts and blouses 🤣, but think about it!

In my experience, many of these individuals who are in constant pursuit of the right partner, are a hot mess and are in dire need of an upgrade/change to various aspects of their individuality.

Therefore, this goes without saying, but I will say it nevertheless. You can’t be looking for 100% when you’re just 20%. It’s only fair🤷🏽. In the regards you don’t want to lower your standards and date below, why should someone lower theirs to date you?

As I write this post, I decided to share the topic with a friend to hear what they had to say and as usual, he never disappoints! He said:

“people are always in denial and almost everyone and their mother posts about “I know my worth” when half of them don’t really have anything to offer but [sex]”

Clayton, 2020.

Upon reflection of his statement, I realised something… Yes, we should know our worth, but we should also know our flaws. Because many who use this phrase seem to forget about these flaws… The same flaws that are the barriers to their happiness! Your worth and your flaws stare at each other through the mirror, try as they may to evade one another, they cannot prevent their eyes from meeting. This is why oftentimes when people describe the good of someone, shortly after, they also mention the bad.

Therefore, I’ll ask again: If you don’t want to date below your standards, why should someone go below theirs and date YOU?

Anyway, enough of the stepping on toes and fabric gripping (draping) and lets get down to the good stuff.

Readers, none of us are perfect. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and I have recognized some traits of myself that I would not want to deal with in a relationship. But, nevertheless, those traits are me. So, what am I doing about it? I am making the conscious effort to change. This change is not just for my partner, but also for myself.

As many of you know or would imagine, this change is not easy. 😅😔. Some of the negative traits that many of us have, are born from trauma, socialization and genetic predisposition. So, it nuh easy!!!

Realization & Acknowledgement

We have to look in the mirror and analyse ourselves. A good question to ask your reflection is “would you date me?” and I want us to ask this question with sincerity, rationality and realism. Because ANY neglection of the truth, instances of narcissism and/or self-loathing, will make this exercise an utter waste.

Whether your answer is yes or no, did you think about your flaws? Would you put up with them? Would you like to change them and be a better person for you? Then, here’s some advice.

Make The Change

Start analysing these negative traits, behaviours, etc…Where did they come from? How do they manifest themselves? What are the triggers? Let’s look into ourselves! Some of you can do this easier than some. For those who are struggling, some counselling could greatly assist—be it professional or personal (such as good friends).

As a matter of fact, I’ll make it easier for you! Draw up a table. To the left, write ‘Strengths’ and to the right, put ‘Weaknesses’. If the former outweighs the latter, good job! Think about how you can leverage these strengths and brush-up on the weaknesses.

For those where the latter outweighs the former, do not despair! Firstly, I want you to think long and hard about your strengths, because we all have them!! Unfortunately, sometimes we just can’t see it. Secondly, it means that you just have a lot of tidying up to do, to make yourself a polished individual who is more than worthy of love, affection and a healthy, intimate relationship.

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Readers, for this holiday season, I want you to reflect on the year that has been. Yes, 2020 was an utter mess! But, for those of us who are alive and well, let us be thankful. And for those who have passed-on because of COVID or other reasons, may they rest in peace. 🕊 While their stories have ended, ours are still being written. And for those who are struggling to appreciate their lives, I see you and I empathize with you. Whatever you’re going through, I hope you make it through victorious.

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As usual, if this post stirred up some new or existing thoughts/feelings within you, leave them down below, so that we can have a great discussion! Please to leave any suggestions for my next post as well. Enjoy the good food; be safe and healthy and Happy New Year!